I never managed to reach the casual-ness of being FB with my flings. I suppose the sense of sadness when I tried to dismiss the entirety of the person that I make love with, inevitably became too much for me to bear.
When I crossed the boundary between friendship and lust, it made both of us confused. We were friends afterall. She did stated that she doesn't want to make the same mistakes, like she did many years ago of being just a fuck buddy with some other guys, yet we did it twice and never really 'discussed' what really happened. I don't know whether it was due to the fact that I do not think I would be able to fulfill what's being expected of me relationship-wise, or whether I was too selfish.
At one time, I contacted her straight to the point and she told me that I wasn't the ONLY guy lusting for her, and that she just can't please everybody
She also told me that under no certain terms that there would be any third time. That moment, without her saying anymore, somehow I sensed her deep sadness. As if she's crying her heart out, wondering why even after knowing her as a friend for so long, I only wanted her body, but not her whole entirety. In all honesty, it's simply because I knew too much about her baggage. I know it, she knows it.
That night she posted on her social media feed with the sentence "if need help, there's always the phone directory..... shoulder, where have you been?". It pained me to see what I have become.
Message understood. I didn't dare to contact her for a couple of months, until she messaged me asking how I was doing in life where we started to communicate again, and I could sense that this time she's trying to hold back some of herself, probably because she didn't want her feelings to be hurt. Neither do I.