And then I confessed about wanting to see her boobs, and going to the incest web sites, and reading the Fabrican incest stories and trying to beat off to Cathy, but then changing it to her.
"I know I'm a pervert," I said sadly. "And it's good that you're in a coma so you don't have to deal with it. I mean I still want you to wake up, but I don't know what's happened to me, or why I got this way. And I promise not to look at your boobs or anything. I can't help my fantasies, but I promise you don't have to be scared of me or anything."
Of course she just lay there, not doing anything but breathing.
I checked her waste bag because I'd been putting it off. Now I almost looked forward to it, because surely that would make me think of things other than sex with my sister. It needed to be emptied, so I went and did that. Mom hadn't said anything about checking that tube where it entered my sister's body, so I found some self control from somewhere and left it alone.
I went to the living room and tried to watch TV, but I couldn't concentrate. I kept thinking "What if she really can hear things? I mean I just told her everything! She'll hate me when she wakes up. She'll scream how I'm a pervert and did perverted things and should be put in prison and everything!"
I had to explain it to her. I didn't really understand it all myself, but I had to figure out a way to explain it to her.
An hour later, just as it began to get dark outside, I decided I'd read her some of Fabrican's stories.
Then maybe she'd understand.
I had only read three or four of the leprechaun's stories, but they'd all been good and easy to read, and Alexis was unconscious anyway, so I just used her computer to log onto the site. It was quiet in the room, so I didn't have to strain my voice. I could just read at normal volume. I looked through his pages. I was surprised to find that two of the cheerleader stories I'd already read were by him. One was a really stupid one about a busload of cheerleaders all getting knocked up during a storm one night, but the other one was pretty hot and I'd beat off to it several times before. I kept looking, wanting to find a story that would make Alexis understand how powerful a fantasy can be, and why I couldn't help but have them once in a while.
The first one I tried was called The Making Of A Cocksman. I picked it because the synopsis said the sister had a bunch of friends, and that was like Alexis and her friends. I glanced over the first couple of pages and found that the similarity ended there, though, because Alexis wasn't like Claire, in the story. And her friends weren't like Claire's friends. But they did have a posse of sorts, though there wasn't a police, really. I figured it might be a good one to explain why I had those thoughts about her.
It wasn't quite like the comic book I'd read to her. I'd used different voices then, and sound effects and stuff like that. But I knew I couldn't pull off sounding like a young girl getting her bell rung, so I read most of it in my normal voice, just using emphasis in places that seemed to need it.
"Okay," I said. "I said some weird things a while ago, and I know you think I'm a pervert, but it's not like that. Not really. I just think I'm a guy, and guys get confused about girls, and so I get confused about you too. But I found this guy who writes these stories and they get me excited and I really like reading them, and I thought that if I read a couple to you too you might understand why I said the things I said." I looked at her. Her face was smooth and untroubled, just like before. "And the way I think about you and your friends is sort of like how this guy writes his stories. They're all fiction, and just for fun ... to think about ... you know, day dream a little bit? And I did that and that's why it sounds like I'm a pervert, even though I'd never hurt you or do anything to make you feel bad or anything like that."
Then I read her the story. It was about a kid named Samuel, like me, and I had to tell Alexis that it wasn't about me, but that I felt like that Sam did sometimes. It was funny in places, and I laughed. I really understood how confused Sam was sometimes. He got a lot of sex, and if all Alexis's friends acted like that around me I'm sure I'd freak out. I just reminded myself it was all make believe.
I got hard in lots of places. I told Alexis about each one, because I thought that would help her understand that I wasn't just an incest pervert, but got excited about regular sex too. I told her what parts I thought were really hot, and told her a couple of times that if she ever said or did anything like Claire was doing I'd freak completely out and stuff.
When I got done I was so horny that I knew I had to do something.
"I'll be back in a minute," I told her. I started to leave and the ridiculousness of the situation hit me. My sister was in a coma and I was going in the next room to beat off. I'd probably think about her and imagine her doing the stuff that Claire had done. While she was lying comatose in the next room ... where she couldn't see me ... or probably hear me ... whatever I was doing.
And if I did it there, where she was ... I could look at her instead of imagining her.
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